Sunday, September 16, 2012

All good things must come to an end

Since I’ve kept you up-to-date with the goings-ons, I thought I’d give you the last update. I ended it with Thailand.

I was out for dinner with a friend on Friday night, the waitress asked me how “my lover” was and if we were “going out” yet. She then asked me how long it had been, when I didn’t answer, she ventured a guess and asked if it had been 5 months yet. I confirmed. She said “It’s almost been half a year, what’s the hold up?”. Little did she know, we were 4 days away from our 6 month anniversary. If you can call it that.

Half a year. When you say it like that… Wow… I knew the date was coming up, and, mentally, I’d even set 6 months as a deadline: if we’re not “an item” by then, we won’t be and we shouldn’t see each other anymore; it’s a waste of time. But as the deadline drew near, I started pushing it back, giving myself more time, delaying the inevitable.

Maybe I’ll give him all of September; no need to end it right in the middle.

Maybe I’ll give him until I leave for Thailand; I’ll get an extra month out of him.

On Saturday, I went shopping for his birthday present. I drove for over an hour in order to go to a store I had no business being in. This is a specialty shop and I know nothing about this specialty. I went in to purchase one thing and one thing only. The only thing I knew he needed. When they didn’t have it in stock, I started thinking about plan B. Saturday night I surfed the internet trying to find more information on plan B. Plan B, like plan A, is something I know nothing about.

And then it hit me. What’s the point of all this? This is a guy that doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. This is a guy that goes on, what I call, cold cycles where I don’t hear from him or see him for days (sometimes upwards of a week or two) at a time. Which has happened often enough that I’ve coined a term for it. And here I am, doing research and going on special trips trying to find a good birthday gift for him. A gift that I’m going to give to him days or, at most, weeks before I end it with him. Depending on how weak I am, of course.

I thought the best thing to do is end it with him next time I saw him. But he’s currently on a cold cycle and hasn’t had much contact with me for nearly a week as it is. I saw a Facebook update of his. I clicked on his page and scanned through some pictures. Even with all these feelings, I felt myself caving. I thought to myself “God damn, you’re sexy”… I felt myself caving.

Maybe I’ll see what happens when I come back from Thailand… Maybe he’ll miss me when I’m gone…

I told myself to snap out of it. I typed up a break-up text. 95% of our correspondence is in text, so it seemed appropriate, even though it’s 100% cowardly. I stared at it. I saved it in my drafts. I opened it again. I added a line or two. I stared at it some more. I cried. Despite the emotional wall I put up when I knew it was going nowhere, I think he got in.

I went for a drive. I drove. I cried. I opened the text. I read it again. I went out for lunch. I opened the text. I read it again. I opened the text. My finger hovered over the send button. My heart pounded. I felt sick. My heart returned to a normal rate and my stomach settled down. I was convinced I had come to terms with it. I hit send.

I found myself in a store that I’ve never set foot in before, looking for a birthday gift for you. I can’t help but wonder: what’s the point?

I would rather do this in person, but who knows when I’ll see you next.

It’s been fun. Thank-you. But I think we’re done.

Take care of yourself. Good luck with school.


My heart pounded. I felt sick. I cried.

That was over 4 hours ago. I’ve heard nothing. I guess I didn’t leave much room for a response. I guess it’s kind of final. Regardless, I expected something. Even if it was just “Okay. You take care too.”

I was hoping for more than that.

I’ve flip-flopped between “maybe I made a mistake” and “this is for the best” a hundred times. I’ve cried.

I’ve come to realize, my wall (like my filter) is a chain link fence and he’s an ant. I thought the barbed wire could protect me. I didn’t realize he was so wily. Despite my best efforts, it’s obvious he got in. I kicked him out. But now I’m sad. I guess I was hoping he’d try to sneak back in.


  1. I know it's hard, but good for you. It's like you said - what's the point? I know I wouldn't go shopping and drive 1 hour for a birthday present for someone who didn't want to become officially involved with me. You may look at his picture and think, "God damn, you're sexy," but there are so many other sexy guys out there who are actually worth your time.

  2. It makes me sad that your sad :(
    It's his loss though and don't worry he'll be looking at his past texts from you and realize what he's missing out.

  3. Similar sentiments to ABFTSs words. I know/knew too many people who are/were only together because they couldn't send that text and that was the only thing keeping it going - easy in the short run, not healthy in the long run. Ending what isn't working is pretty much the opposite of that though.

    Hopefully you have time to dance and play music and such things that have helped in the past.

  4. Hi, new reader here, but I'll go ahead and give you my opinion on your personal life like I know you because this is blogworld...

    Good for you! Even if he does text you back with some pathetic attempt to reconcile, let his actions speak louder than words. If he really wants you back, there's nothing stopping him from standing outside your window with a boombox... in the rain. Anything less than that doesn't make up for his past bad behavior.

  5. Beer - I hope you're right... and thanks for your kind words of support! :)

    DoubleF - highly doubtful - certainly all was deleted from his phone immediately. But thanks for saying he's the one who's losing! :)

    Gorm - I will have time for all those things! Thanks!

    Jill - welcome! No problem... that's what the internet is for! :P Thanks for the insight; I would have held the notion of him standing outside my window as a bad thing. Thanks for straightening me out! :)


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