Since I’ve kept you up-to-date with the goings-ons, I thought I’d give you the last update. I ended it with Thailand.
I was out for dinner with a friend on Friday night, the waitress asked me how “my lover” was and if we were “going out” yet. She then asked me how long it had been, when I didn’t answer, she ventured a guess and asked if it had been 5 months yet. I confirmed. She said “It’s almost been half a year, what’s the hold up?”. Little did she know, we were 4 days away from our 6 month anniversary. If you can call it that.
Half a year. When you say it like that… Wow… I knew the date was coming up, and, mentally, I’d even set 6 months as a deadline: if we’re not “an item” by then, we won’t be and we shouldn’t see each other anymore; it’s a waste of time. But as the deadline drew near, I started pushing it back, giving myself more time, delaying the inevitable.
Maybe I’ll give him all of September; no need to end it right in the middle.
Maybe I’ll give him until I leave for Thailand; I’ll get an extra month out of him.
On Saturday, I went shopping for his birthday present. I drove for over an hour in order to go to a store I had no business being in. This is a specialty shop and I know nothing about this specialty. I went in to purchase one thing and one thing only. The only thing I knew he needed. When they didn’t have it in stock, I started thinking about plan B. Saturday night I surfed the internet trying to find more information on plan B. Plan B, like plan A, is something I know nothing about.
And then it hit me. What’s the point of all this? This is a guy that doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. This is a guy that goes on, what I call, cold cycles where I don’t hear from him or see him for days (sometimes upwards of a week or two) at a time. Which has happened often enough that I’ve coined a term for it. And here I am, doing research and going on special trips trying to find a good birthday gift for him. A gift that I’m going to give to him days or, at most, weeks before I end it with him. Depending on how weak I am, of course.
I thought the best thing to do is end it with him next time I saw him. But he’s currently on a cold cycle and hasn’t had much contact with me for nearly a week as it is. I saw a Facebook update of his. I clicked on his page and scanned through some pictures. Even with all these feelings, I felt myself caving. I thought to myself “God damn, you’re sexy”… I felt myself caving.
Maybe I’ll see what happens when I come back from Thailand… Maybe he’ll miss me when I’m gone…
I told myself to snap out of it. I typed up a break-up text. 95% of our correspondence is in text, so it seemed appropriate, even though it’s 100% cowardly. I stared at it. I saved it in my drafts. I opened it again. I added a line or two. I stared at it some more. I cried. Despite the emotional wall I put up when I knew it was going nowhere, I think he got in.
I went for a drive. I drove. I cried. I opened the text. I read it again. I went out for lunch. I opened the text. I read it again. I opened the text. My finger hovered over the send button. My heart pounded. I felt sick. My heart returned to a normal rate and my stomach settled down. I was convinced I had come to terms with it. I hit send.
I found myself in a store that I’ve never set foot in before, looking for a birthday gift for you. I can’t help but wonder: what’s the point?
I would rather do this in person, but who knows when I’ll see you next.
It’s been fun. Thank-you. But I think we’re done.
Take care of yourself. Good luck with school.
My heart pounded. I felt sick. I cried.
That was over 4 hours ago. I’ve heard nothing. I guess I didn’t leave much room for a response. I guess it’s kind of final. Regardless, I expected something. Even if it was just “Okay. You take care too.”
I was hoping for more than that.
I’ve flip-flopped between “maybe I made a mistake” and “this is for the best” a hundred times. I’ve cried.
I’ve come to realize, my wall (like my filter) is a chain link fence and he’s an ant. I thought the barbed wire could protect me. I didn’t realize he was so wily. Despite my best efforts, it’s obvious he got in. I kicked him out. But now I’m sad. I guess I was hoping he’d try to sneak back in.