Sunday, September 30, 2012

Ooops… I did it again…

I kind of hate myself for using a Britney Spears song for a post title, but it had to be done.

I joined an online dating site. Again. It’s like I’ve forgotten what happened last time.

It seems like every two years, I decide that it’s a good idea and to have another go at it. The site I joined is one I’ve been on before. I never had any luck with it in the past. Last time I was on it, I was active on and off for a year and a half. A considerable amount of time. I never had a date, the only responses to my profile were “Hey – wanna chat” and “What’s up – you’re hot”. Both are not-so-subtle code for “Let’s fuck”.

Which is all fine and dandy, except when you’re actually looking for a relationship. I knew then (and I know even more so now), that fun is fun, but it will take away the drive to finding something meaningful. Why try to find someone when the hole is already being filled (literally and figuratively).

So, here I am. The good news is, I’m sure to have loads of blog fodder over the next however-long. The bad news is, the one guy I met already (who seemed like he was going to be a lot of fun) turned out to be a huge disappointment. C’est la vie. Apparently.

I’m going to meet Dude #2 today, hopefully, he doesn’t turn out to be a dud like the one from Friday. He’s either really sweet or needy. If I have a choice between a Stage 5 Clinger and Mr. Cold Cycle, I think I’d take cold cycle. At least they give you room to breathe, even if you’re fuming the entire time. I’m really just not into asphyxiation.

Wish me luck, guys. I think I need it! 

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The internet is a weird, weird place

I’m convinced Google is fucking with me. It all started a few weeks back when I decided to check my personal email at work one day. I logged on to the website and it was all in German.

that white girl fucking the dog

Having to know the fields in order to log on wasn’t necessary; I was able to navigate the website no problem.

gmail snapshot

I mean, seriously, “Nutzername and passwort”??

Luckily Google didn’t translate all my emails into German, so I was actually able to read them. Once I logged out of the account, everything returned to normal. I thought it was weird, but carried on and didn’t think about it again until a week or so later when I re-discovered the glitch while checking my email from work. 

About a week after that, it started happening when I was at home. About a week after that, it started affecting my search results; the entire webpage of results would show up in German. Most of the time Google would give me the option of translating the page into English. Thanks Google.

But, like the German glitch, the translator would glitch out too and wouldn’t always be available. I started having to learn the German words for “images” and “maps”. And when I looked up a map… that’s right… all the directions were in German.

It was getting increasingly difficult to find information on the internet, so I did what any normal person would do: I Google’d it.

that white girl google thinks I'm german

And all the webpages were displayed in… that’s right… English.

that white girl wtf google

Forgetting my intentions entirely, I spent the next five minutes trying to trick Google into thinking I was German. Suddenly the problem became that Google didn’t think I was German anymore. Google was having none of it. All English, all the time.

I decided that finding a solution to my problem was unnecessary since my problem no longer existed.

Until a couple days later, when the problem reared it’s ugly head once again. Since then, I haven’t had to get directions so having German Google hasn’t been too much of a pain in the ass. That’s why I haven’t tried to fix it again. Also, I’m lazy.

A couple days ago, I realized that this would make a fairly entertaining blog post. I started writing it up; one of the first things I did was go to my email account and screenshot the log in screen. More than halfway through this post, I decided to screenshot a results screen. I put in a dummy search term into Google and awaited the results.

that white girl i'm not german

Results… in English. Naturally. And now I’m waiting for it to go back to the German default, but it’s not. It’s all “Of course you’re English, why would I think you’re German?”.

It’s like Google knows that I’m writing about it and wants to really fuck with me.

that white girl letter to google

Sunday, September 16, 2012

All good things must come to an end

Since I’ve kept you up-to-date with the goings-ons, I thought I’d give you the last update. I ended it with Thailand.

I was out for dinner with a friend on Friday night, the waitress asked me how “my lover” was and if we were “going out” yet. She then asked me how long it had been, when I didn’t answer, she ventured a guess and asked if it had been 5 months yet. I confirmed. She said “It’s almost been half a year, what’s the hold up?”. Little did she know, we were 4 days away from our 6 month anniversary. If you can call it that.

Half a year. When you say it like that… Wow… I knew the date was coming up, and, mentally, I’d even set 6 months as a deadline: if we’re not “an item” by then, we won’t be and we shouldn’t see each other anymore; it’s a waste of time. But as the deadline drew near, I started pushing it back, giving myself more time, delaying the inevitable.

Maybe I’ll give him all of September; no need to end it right in the middle.

Maybe I’ll give him until I leave for Thailand; I’ll get an extra month out of him.

On Saturday, I went shopping for his birthday present. I drove for over an hour in order to go to a store I had no business being in. This is a specialty shop and I know nothing about this specialty. I went in to purchase one thing and one thing only. The only thing I knew he needed. When they didn’t have it in stock, I started thinking about plan B. Saturday night I surfed the internet trying to find more information on plan B. Plan B, like plan A, is something I know nothing about.

And then it hit me. What’s the point of all this? This is a guy that doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. This is a guy that goes on, what I call, cold cycles where I don’t hear from him or see him for days (sometimes upwards of a week or two) at a time. Which has happened often enough that I’ve coined a term for it. And here I am, doing research and going on special trips trying to find a good birthday gift for him. A gift that I’m going to give to him days or, at most, weeks before I end it with him. Depending on how weak I am, of course.

I thought the best thing to do is end it with him next time I saw him. But he’s currently on a cold cycle and hasn’t had much contact with me for nearly a week as it is. I saw a Facebook update of his. I clicked on his page and scanned through some pictures. Even with all these feelings, I felt myself caving. I thought to myself “God damn, you’re sexy”… I felt myself caving.

Maybe I’ll see what happens when I come back from Thailand… Maybe he’ll miss me when I’m gone…

I told myself to snap out of it. I typed up a break-up text. 95% of our correspondence is in text, so it seemed appropriate, even though it’s 100% cowardly. I stared at it. I saved it in my drafts. I opened it again. I added a line or two. I stared at it some more. I cried. Despite the emotional wall I put up when I knew it was going nowhere, I think he got in.

I went for a drive. I drove. I cried. I opened the text. I read it again. I went out for lunch. I opened the text. I read it again. I opened the text. My finger hovered over the send button. My heart pounded. I felt sick. My heart returned to a normal rate and my stomach settled down. I was convinced I had come to terms with it. I hit send.

I found myself in a store that I’ve never set foot in before, looking for a birthday gift for you. I can’t help but wonder: what’s the point?

I would rather do this in person, but who knows when I’ll see you next.

It’s been fun. Thank-you. But I think we’re done.

Take care of yourself. Good luck with school.


My heart pounded. I felt sick. I cried.

That was over 4 hours ago. I’ve heard nothing. I guess I didn’t leave much room for a response. I guess it’s kind of final. Regardless, I expected something. Even if it was just “Okay. You take care too.”

I was hoping for more than that.

I’ve flip-flopped between “maybe I made a mistake” and “this is for the best” a hundred times. I’ve cried.

I’ve come to realize, my wall (like my filter) is a chain link fence and he’s an ant. I thought the barbed wire could protect me. I didn’t realize he was so wily. Despite my best efforts, it’s obvious he got in. I kicked him out. But now I’m sad. I guess I was hoping he’d try to sneak back in.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Surprise!! (here’s something you already know…)

As you might remember, my dad once taught me to stick up for myself. I wouldn’t call it self defense, as I was a 10 year old girl, but he taught me to slap like nobody’s business.

He has since told me that I should take self defense classes because I’m not “inherently tough”. Big words for someone that didn’t make it to grade 9. Nonetheless, he’s right.

I’ve always known him to speak the truth, but this statement didn’t really hit home until last night. Last night I realized that I really need to work on some things so that I’m not murdered by a toothpick wielding maniac.

Yesterday, that statement would have made me laugh because of the mental picture it created.

Death by toothpick

But today, I think it’s quite possible that that feeb could overpower me. I’m scared for more than just my well being; I’m scared for my life.

Here’s what happened. The boy, a.k.a Thailand, told me he was going to come over to get some to get some; I decided to get in a quick girl-talk convo, with Dave. As I saw headlights in my front window, I knew I had to go. I quickly got off the phone and decided to change over my laundry before I forgot.

I dashed into my laundry room, switched over my laundry and started making my way to the front of the house to meet my guest. As I stepped into the bathroom, a figure was lurking to my right; as I cleared the doorway, the figure said “Hi!”.

How you doing

I nearly crapped my pants. I leapt backwards, simultaneously emitting a high pitched “eeeep!” while clutching my chest and taking a quick inhalation of air. After which, I started laughing so hard that I had to double over just to catch my breath. Meanwhile, my heart was pounding at such a furious rate, that if I was much older, I would have grabbed a few aspirin to start chewing on the way to the hospital.

That’s right. Even with someone that I KNEW WAS THERE (!!!) I was completely caught off guard. And, apparently, my only defense mechanism is making a complete ass of myself.

After I regained a normal heart rate (and maybe some composure), I decided to tell him exactly how much he scared me. I accused him of lurking in the bathroom just to scare me. He claims he just went in there “to wash his hands”. Likely story.

He told me that I jumped so much that he thought I was going to slip on the tile floor in an attempt to actually run backwards. Jokingly, I said “Man, I should really take some self defense classes”. To which Thailand replied, without a hint of humour in his voice: “Yes, yes you should.”

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Back to school! Well… maybe…

As you probably know, I’ve been a student for the past… too long. My spring/summer semester ended in June and it marked the last of the classes I needed to get my degree. The only thing standing in my way is a project I have to complete. A very large research project.

I was supposed to use this summer to make headway on said project; work hard, get it done and finish with school for good. I did nothing. My projects class that I have to register for and get approval before I can do so, started on Sept 1. I emailed the powers-that-be on Aug 31. And the great project idea that I came up with is not a great project idea in their mind.

I’m pretty much screwed to finish my report by the end of the year, as was my goal. I’m not terribly upset – it’s my own doing after all. But I am somewhat annoyed with myself. I guess I got caught up in the “I’m done!!!” mindset and forgot that I have to finish before I’m actually done.

So… now I’m trying to register for a class that has already started and come up with another project idea and hope that I can do this in the next week or two. I really should have worked harder this summer. But, quite frankly, I didn’t wanna.

I’ll pay for this later. And by “later”, I mean “now”. FML.

Thailand? I’m in!!!

I’m doing Thailand!!!

And no, not “Thailand” (I’ve been doing him for months), I mean I’m doing Thailand… as in, going to the country and stuff.

I’m pretty excited. And as a woman, I don’t think I have to be concerned about ladyboys. In fact, I might get a deal if I pretend I’m into chicks and then “Uh-oh, you have a penis? Oh well… *grin*”.

I might have to work on my poker face for that one.

So the trip is scheduled for November, and I’m going with people. So the chances of me dying (of alcohol poisoning, or otherwise) are slim… Well… less anyway. Wish me luck.

Maybe I’ll bring back a stockpile of condoms.