I think I've officially failed miserably at the goal I set for myself. It's been a bit of a rough go for me lately, so I blame it on that. This is going to be a serious post. So unlike me I know, but I'm a bit at a loss as to what to write about otherwise.
My grandfather passed away a week ago and even though we were not close and he wasn't a part of my life, I'm overcome with feelings of loss. I never knew the man and now I never will. I'm also overcome with feelings of bitterness and resentment. My step-grandmother did not handle the situation very well and neglected to notify us (his family) until my mom showed up on his doorstep looking for him. Classic.
Now, my mom is faced with dealing with the will and the division of assets between step-grandma's family and our family. What makes the situation that much worse? Her family was always more important than his family when it came to holidays, birthdays, and life in general. Thus the "he wasn't part of my life" statement. It's questionable whether or not his assets will be divided equally or if it'll all go to her family. If that's the case, my mom will have to contest the will in order to get her fair share. Just one more thing in an already difficult situation.
And then to top it all off, my friendship with my BFF appears to have officially dissolved. She can be a hard person to love and would rather throw people out of her life than admit to being wrong. It's irrational, but that's how she operates. We've been arguing lately because I'm an asshole (she should have known this since we've been friends for 20+ years) and a sellout (yes, a sellout... why, yes, I am still in high school).
As per usual, she has every right to be rude, condescending and hurtful towards me, but if I have the nerve to express my feelings or defend myself, I'm ruining our friendship and that leaves me open to more rude, condescending and hurtful things to be directed at me.
This isn't the first time this has happened. This isn't even the first time this year. Because of that, it becomes harder and harder to take and try to work through. Her anger is irrational; it clouds her judgment and ability to be reasoned with. Once angered, which is very easy to do, she cannot see past the perceived wrong-doing, which makes explaining yourself or justifying your actions a waste of breath.
When she's in that state, the only way to make things better is to absorb all the blame and to apologize profusely. I would be willing to do this, if I felt that I had done something wrong. But in this case, I don't believe I have. And I'm not doing it.
Have I apologized? Yes, but not profusely enough. Have I admitted fault and blame? Yes, but not all of it. As a result, the argument has persisted over several weeks, and since my responses to her accusations are not what she's looking for, her accusations become more and more angry and hurtful.
After a while, I stop trying to reason with her and I tell her how I feel, tell her how her words are hurtful and I point out her actions and call her on them. Only to be told that I'm so rude that I'm willing to ruin our friendship in order to be "right".
But isn't that exactly what she's doing to me? The fact that she cannot accept blame for anything and the fact that she's allowed to treat people one way, and no one is allowed to treat her, even remotely, similarly, shows me that she's the one who is willing to ruin our friendship in order to be "right".
The level of double standard with her is staggering.
I'm not sure if we're going to be able to work through this one. Yes, I always think that, but this time I'm fairly convinced it's true.
As a result my invitation to the fishing derby has been revoked. I'm sure you all know how much that saddens me. I guess I will have to find another outlet for that kind of debauchery. At least EliseArt, Gorm and my other work friends won't have to hear about it for weeks on end. You're welcome.
And serendipity has reared it's head in this situation with K. I've come across several quotes that ring so true to me that I can't help but share them:
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured - Mark Twain
Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves? - Single Dad Laughing (www.danoah.com)