Swimming in the wrong sea

The saying goes “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. I think I’m swimming in the wrong sea, guys.

All the dudes I’m conversing with on this online dating site seem normal enough for roughly five minutes. Then out comes the “Do you want me to come over” comments. Come over? Like to my house?! We’ve been chatting/emailing for 15 minutes!!

When I say things like “Ummmm… I don’t think I want to meet you in my living room…”, they get all snippety and don’t want to talk to me anymore. Good. I didn’t want to talk to you either. And not just anymore, if you get my drift.

Then there was the guy that wanted to video chat with me. Within two minutes, he told me he was horny and then pulled out his hard dick. My exact words “I can see that”. Disconnect.

Then there was the guy that I actually met. You might recall that I said he was either sweet, or needy. I was right. When I was on my way to meet him, I got a text from him telling me where he was sitting in the pub. About 15 minutes early. I thought maybe his bus was early. Or perhaps he was just eager.

I tell him I’m a few minutes away (like 15, but whatever) and he responds by telling me that he’s working on his soup because he couldn’t wait for me. Huh. Maybe he’s really hungry.

So I show up and he wants a hug. I give him the one-armed-nice-to-meet-you hug. He gives me a full two-armer and then tells me I smell good.

The waitress comes for my drink order and says she’ll give me a few minutes with the menu. I had never eaten at this pub before, and it’s his favourite place, so I ask him what’s good. He tells me the lamb burger is good.

I see.

I peruse the menu; the waitress comes back and asks if I’m ready to order. I wasn’t so she said she’d give me a few more minutes. It took her like 20 minutes to get back. I’d wished I’d ordered something the first time. Not because I was so hungry. And not because I was annoyed at her taking so long to come back. But because those 20 minutes could have been used to prepare my food and I’d be 20 minutes closer to ending this date.

My date asked me if I had made a decision on food. I told him I was going to have the chili. He said “You come to a place like this and you’re going to eat the chili??”. All I said was “I like chili”. Yeah… The dude that comes here every week and has only had one thing on the menu is judging me on my menu choice.

Then he wants to hold my hand. Suddenly, I’m a hand-talker. He wants me to come sit beside him. I tell him I’m happy where I am. He asked me about eight times in a two hour period if I was having fun. It was almost the longest two hours of my life, but how do you say that without hurting someone’s feelings. So I was polite (read: I lied).

I asked him what his plans were for the rest of the day. He said that I was his plan. He asked me the same question, I told him I needed to go home and do laundry.

He actually sulked when he realized the date was ending. Like pursed-lower-lip-avoid-eye-contact-crossed-arms kind of sulk.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg; I don’t think I fully portrayed the painfulness of this date. I think I’m quitting again. I’d rather die alone (well, not alone, I’ll get a shit-tonne of cats) than endure this much longer. (It’s been 10 days, but who’s counting?)