Cuba 1.0

As you already know, I went to Cuba a few weeks back. It was great! This is what I looked at for 7 days:

White sand beach, clear blue-green water, 30 degree (Celcuis) weather, unlimited alcohol and enough shade (yay, palapas!) that I didn’t burn to a crisp. I can’t really ask for much else.

Like Mexico, my MO was pretty much the same: Operation – Drink Too Much. I do think I kept it together a bit more than in Mexico. Perhaps because there wasn’t any tequila involved or maybe because I’m getting better at it.

I arrived at the hotel around 8:30pm local time. Having left my house at 3am local time (Cuba is 3 hours ahead), you could say I had a pretty long day. My mission once I hit the hotel was: find room, find food, find booze.

The resort was very small, at least compared to the resort I stayed at in Mexico. There was only one outside bar open at night, naturally, I went there to have some drinks.

Travelling alone, you’re bound to meet some interesting characters. This trip was no exception. A couple tables over, there was a large group of mostly older folks. One of these folks was a 60-ish British fellow who was rather intoxicated. Randomly, he would stand up and yell. Loud.

I found it amusing. The first night. By the third or fourth night, everyone had pretty much had it.

In that same group, there were a couple younger people. One of them was a 19 year old boy who was quickly adopted by a family that we met down there. He could almost always be found within arms reach of the two young kids. He’d play with them and take them swimming at the beach. All around, he was a good kid.

The other younger person, was a female of indiscernible age; she could have been 24 or 39. But, let me tell you, Trainwreck Sally was a sight to see. Every time I saw her, regardless of time of day, she was absolutely hammered. 3am? Sure, makes sense… So am I. 3pm? What? Already??

As someone who enjoys the sauce (and has trainwrecked through a week in Mexico once or twice), I’m hesitant to judge someone on this, but I will.

She did and said a lot of inappropriate things while under the influence, but the icing on the cake was one night when a bunch of us went to the disco to dance. She showed up after us because she kept getting distracted by things along the way. We’ve all been there. At least I have.

Her dancing was… interesting. It started out with her twirling around, arms spread open, face turned upwards. I was pretty sure she was going to fall down or throw up. She didn’t. Then her twirl-fest morphed into, what can only be described as, an interpretative/artistic dance.

I’m being very diplomatic; she basically rolled around on the floor. In a dress. And had no clue that what she was doing had any effect on what her dress was doing.

I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a point where she rolled right off the stage. Sure the stage was only 4 inches off the ground and sure she seemed to work it into her “routine”, but I can guarantee it was not planned.

A girl I met down there agreed with me and she decided to say something to Sally that night.

Apparently Paulie came out the asshole in that conversation. The next day, Sally was going on about how someone was very rude to her the night before; they told her that she thinks with her vagina.

You could say she got the context wrong; all Paulie meant was that everyone in the club knew what Sally’s underwear looked like.

You could also say she got the person wrong; she thought I was the one who was brutally honest with her.

Going’s ons

Hey Folks! It’s been awhile since I’ve consistently posted, I’ve been struggling a bit with writer’s block, I guess. Or else just a lack of motivation to come up with a topic. Whatever you call it, I hope that will change, but I usually hit all time lows with posting come winter and it’s starting to get mighty cold out.

I’ve been busy with work; we had our big audit last week and it was a doozy. Leading up to audit week I was working 6 days a week, as many as 12 hours a day. Then during audit week, I was so drained that by the end of the day, I’d eat and then collapse. Somehow I did muster up the energy to make a carrot cake for the bake sale on Friday, which got rave reviews so it was worth it! I also got a piece, which is probably the real reason it was worth it.

I’ve been slowly plugging away at my project proposal, which has become increasingly frustrating. I’ve submitted the proposal three times so far (plus two incomplete drafts), and have received feedback from the person at school that is looking for the results of the project. That’s great, but I haven’t received one word of feedback from the person who needs to grade and approve the proposal. Considering I need to complete the entire project (not just the proposal) by year’s end, I’m pretty much hooped and will need to ask for an extension. Again.

All in all, I’ve been quite busy and operating with a higher than normal stress level. It’s only a matter of time before that catches up with you and bad things happen, so I’m doing what I always do when it gets to be that time; I booked a trip to some place warm with unlimited alcohol. I’m going to Cuba! This time next week, I’ll be packing.

As usual, I’ll keep you up-to-date with the train wreck that I like to call my all-inclusive vacation.

Back to School

I had all the intentions in the world to write this post sooner than now, but I’ve been MIA from the blog world for a bit and before I knew it, it was already half way through September. For that, I’m sorry. But that didn’t stop me from writing this post! You’re welcome.

My mother has ruined every vacation I’ve ever had.

When I was a kid, summer was the most glorious, long-lasting, time of doing nothing in my whole life; my days were filled with watching bad TV, bugging my mom for money because the ice cream truck was coming and having my mom yell at me to get out of the house and do something. But, no matter how awesome my summer was, it always came crashing down because of my mother.

Like all parents she counted down the months, weeks, days to when we were going back to school and getting the hell out of her face. That’s one thing; I get that, kids are annoying when they’re hanging about all the time. It’s another thing that she reminded us every chance she got that she was actually counting down the days. Once August hit, it was her objective to remind us as often as humanly possible that school was fast approaching.

It seemed like a long way away, but then the timeline got shorter and shorter.

By the time Labour Day weekend rolled around, Mom was positively giddy about the whole situation, by the last night she could barely contain herself.

She managed to “work it into conversation” every day of that last “not long enough” long weekend. It was crushing.

Now, I’m an adult and summer has gotten shorter and shorter (you could say it's over before you know it) and it’s no longer a 2 month vacation. In fact, I have to work through the entire thing and I’m lucky if I can get two weeks off during the summer. But no matter when I take my vacation, no matter how long of a vacation I take, my mother always ruins it.

As I lay in bed on the last night of my vacation, inevitably tossing and turning because I’ve messed up my sleep schedule, I’m plagued with one thought and one thought only.

Just goes to show you that you never quite out grow the teenage “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you” stage.

Just kidding, Mom, I love you.

 

 

Just kidding, you guys, she doesn’t read this!

Thailand 1.2

So, picking up where we left off in Part 2… We got back to Bangkok, we saw some temples, we went shopping, we went home. The End.

Boring, right? Now, on to the anecdotes!!

After we left Bangkok the first time, I held some resentment. Between the heat, the humidity, the cars, the dirt, the lack of palm trees, the smell…. Let’s just say I wasn’t that happy in Bangkok. My resentment may or may not have consisted of:

My friend didn’t really get it. She kept saying “It’s not that bad. I like it”. When we got there the second time, she looked around with a disgusted look on her face and said “Is it just me, or did this place get dirtier since the last time we were here?”. No. It’s exactly the same!!

When we left Bangkok the first time, we were on our way to the airport with a taxi driver that didn’t know much English and was money-hungry. Bad combo. Let’s just say that a misunderstanding occurred that led us to believe that he was out to rob us and led him to believe that we weren’t going to pay the highway tolls to the airport. Long story short, for a brief moment we were pretty sure he was taking us away to murder us, but he ended up dropping us off at our (already checked out of) hotel. We had to get another taxi. Which doesn’t sound nearly as terrifying as it was.

A nice helpful lady at the DMK airport helped us get a shuttle and ferry from the Surat Thani airport to Koh Samui. We paid 650 Baht for the 3+hour trip (just over $30 CDN), we found out that our airline had coupons for 350B for the same trip. All in all, we paid $10 CDN more than other people, but the person I was with made it seem like we paid $1000 more than other people. She kept bringing it up and bringing it up… Over. And over. Again. It wasn’t too far into the trip where I thought it might be easier to just give her the 300B that we overpaid rather than hear about it the rest of the time. I’m white. You get ripped off when you’re in Thailand with ThatWhiteGirl. I’m sorry. Get over it.

Going to the beach one day and I had to wait around for half an hour while my friend put her makeup on. To go to the beach. So that we could go swimming.

That’s what swimming looks like when you’re trying to keep your perfectly manicured face above water. Clearly I’m not that girl.

Even though my friend is pregnant, she wanted to “party all night” a few times, which consisted of us going out and around midnight her yawning and saying “I’m tired”. Safe to say, that I didn’t overdrink and/or make poor decisions. Which is why this trip was so unlike me.

Yes, that’s a tea cup… I was trying to portray that I’m all proper and shit. I’m sorry. I know you expect more from me. Don’t worry I’ll go back to Mexico soon!

I got sunburned on a cloudy day. I’m not surprised… why was everyone else?

I didn’t eat any weird shit. I was scared of getting sick and anytime I found some street food that I was willing to put in my mouth, my friend was like “30B… Is that safe??”. My adventure-meter declined significantly and it doesn’t have that large of a scale to begin with.

In Bangkok the second time, we found this night bazaar that had so many strip clubs nearby that we were accosted like a million times for ping pong shows and whatnot. I was like “Soooo… you wanna go??” and she was like “But what if they put ping pong balls in weird places????”

She wouldn’t have any of it. So, I didn’t get to see ping pong balls shoot out of vaginas. I’m sorry.

We did a tour in Bangkok the second time around. But our tour was self-hosted, so we pretty much found a tuk-tuk driver that was willing to drive us around. It ended up being too cheap to be true. He kept taking us to these “stores” that we didn’t want to shop in. And when we came out 3 minutes later, he was like “Stay longer next time!”. Turns out, he gets coupons for gas if he takes tourists to stores, but only if they seem interested. We told him we didn’t want to shop, we wanted to see temples, so he dropped us off at the next temple and then ditched us. It took us almost an hour to find an available taxi/tuk-tuk.

I think that’s about it. I’m sure there’s like a million more stories, but you’ll get bored and so will I. So let’s quit while we’re ahead, shall we?

Thailand 1.1

Picking up where we left off in the Thailand 1.0 post… We arrived in Krabi; we gave the hotel name to our taxi driver and he dropped us off in front of this restaurant. I was certain we were going to have to get into another cab and go to the real hotel, because there was no way there was a hotel attached to this:

Except there was. We felt pretty sketched out about the whole thing, but the room ended up being nice and there were no giant lizards, so all-in-all, not a bad deal.

We basically only had one full day in this place, so we did a speedboat tour of the neighbouring islands. Beautiful Koh Phi Phi.

It was great, we went to a bunch of the different islands, had lunch and went snorkeling. Snorkeling is an amazing thing and I wasn’t quite prepared for it.

The next day, we went to Phuket. A 2.5hour bus ride on an AC mini-bus turned into a 6.5hour bus ride on an AC mini-bus that did not have much AC to speak of. Most people were pretty grumpy by the end. Myself included.

Our hotel appeared to be in the middle of nowhere, but turned out to be quite close to “Old Kata Center” which was a quaint little town near the beach.

The beach wasn’t nearly as spectacular as ones we had become accustomed to, but we spent a day there regardless. And because it was overcast, it was my first day on the beach without having to apply copious amounts of sunscreen.

Naturally, I burned the shit out of my back.

In order to keep my mind off the pain from my sunburn, I thought it would be best to inflict more pain on myself. If only to act as a distraction.

But also because it’s pretty. No, it wasn’t licked on by kittens and, no, it won’t come off in the shower, regardless of how much I thin my blood while I’m in there.

Next up was Chaing Mai, so we flew north and found our way to our hotel. Which ended up being so magnificently amazing I questioned how we were able to afford to stay there.

We ended up doing three tours, one included the zoo/aquarium, complete with elephant ride.

But also, pandas were involved.

The next other was a temple tour (but believe me, these were not the first, nor the last temples we would see… not sure if I ever have to see a Buddha again). Regardless of quantity, the temples were amazing, and the pictures don’t do them justice.

Last tour involved many animals. Including a monkey show, that was way more of a show than the last one.

And also tigers, even though I didn’t pet them.

And 10 levels of waterfalls that weren’t worth it after the 6th.

Seriously – I think that was the best one and we spent more than an hour walking up never-ending staircases to get to the top.

Did I mention we did this while in the jungles of Thailand? And that it was 35 degrees Celsius and humid as fuck? Yeah, I wasn’t super stoked with this part of the day.

And back down to Bangkok we went.

Next up – part three. I’ll finish off the snapshots of my snapshots and will provide some amusing anecdotes, that I’m sure you’re all waiting for.

Please note – aforementioned anecdotes do not include underage debauchery or ping pong balls.

Thailand 1.0

Here’s my attempt at summarizing my holiday in Thailand in one post. Highly doubtful, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum because if we learned anything from my last round of Mexico posts is that too many posts leads to more than a month between the start of my vacation and the end… and that was only a week long story.

I arrived at Bangkok International Airport and found my shuttle with no problem, albeit a lot of walking because BKK is the largest airport ever (well, that I’ve been in anyway). My friends showed up at the hotel shortly after I arrived and we went out for lunch shortly after that. As I was walking down the streets of Bangkok, I was stunned at the heat, the humidity, terrible air quality and dirtiness of the streets. I attempted to eat my lunch, but it was like eating fire, so I had to switch meals with my friend’s husband. Glad he likes spicy food. That’s about the time my body went into complete shock. I did not feel well.

Went back to the hotel for a nap, after which, I awoke with my body having come to terms with being in a foreign country. We went out clubbing to celebrate. There’s this street known as Cowboy Street… most of the bars are strip clubs with hot Thai girls (sometimes ladyboys) outside trying to get you to go in. There was this one club that had a girl outside holding a sign; the sign said “Over 50 hot girls inside. A few ugly ones and even a couple fat ones”. Seriously. I should have taken a picture.

We found a club that had a live band. It’s quite funny watching a cover band singing English songs realizing that they probably don’t speak English and have no idea what they’re singing about. This was the funniest song they played. (Turn down your speakers – it was loud and maxed out my camera mic.)

Pretty Fly for a Thai Guy

The next day we went to MBK, which is a ridiculously large mall.

Keeping in mind, I was already on the third floor. Still, picture doesn’t do it justice.

Day after that, we flew south to Koh Samui. We spent one day on the beach at our resort.

The next day we did a tour of the island.

Viewpoint:

Penis rock:

I was chatting with some Australian boys at this point of the tour; one of them said “It looks just like it did in the picture”, I said “Really? I thought it would be bigger”. It took him a split second to process what I said; if he had been drinking something it would have been a spit-take. Safe to say we were buddies for the rest of the tour.

Monkey “Show”:

Which consisted of this monkey climbing a tree and knocking down a couple coconuts. It wasn’t much of a show.

Mummified Monk:

Story is that he died while meditating 30 years ago… so they left him in that position and made it a tourist attraction. I just wonder why he was meditating with a pair of Ray Bans. Not very monk-ish.

That night, Ree went into the bathroom to shower. Within minutes of her being in there I heard “Oh my God. OH MY GOD!!” I called out to her and she said “You have to come in here and see this… maybe with your camera!” I went in and this is what I saw in our shower:

It was probably 6-8” long (not including the tail). And it scared the crap out of me.

The next day we moved again, this time to Krabi and this time to a hotel that wouldn’t let giant lizards into our room.

Stay tuned for part two.

I return!

Hey folks – I’m back!!

Made it to and through Thailand and back home all in one piece. Many stories to tell… probably too many, but I’ll try to do up a snapshot of my trip. There will be pictures involved, so first I must unpack my bags and download the pics from my camera. It’ll take a bit of time (… Gorm…), but fear not, it’s in the works!

My last day in Thailand it rained like you wouldn’t believe. I joked that it was Bangkok’s way of preparing me for home. First night back in Canada, we’re hit with our usual November Rain storm.

I’m outta here!!

Alright, folks, this is my last post before I leave for Thailand. “Last post” makes it sound like there will actually be something to it. There won’t be. I’m sorry for getting your hopes up.

So… I’m leaving tonight and won’t be back for over 2 weeks (17 days, I believe). I’ll be safe and will take tonnes of pictures and eat all kinds of food (which I’ll take pictures of, like a fricken champ!).

Don’t miss me too much!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Thailand? I’m in!!!

I’m doing Thailand!!!

And no, not “Thailand” (I’ve been doing him for months), I mean I’m doing Thailand… as in, going to the country and stuff.

I’m pretty excited. And as a woman, I don’t think I have to be concerned about ladyboys. In fact, I might get a deal if I pretend I’m into chicks and then “Uh-oh, you have a penis? Oh well… *grin*”.

I might have to work on my poker face for that one.

So the trip is scheduled for November, and I’m going with people. So the chances of me dying (of alcohol poisoning, or otherwise) are slim… Well… less anyway. Wish me luck.

Maybe I’ll bring back a stockpile of condoms.

Mexico 2.3

I’ve been back for a month… I really should get this series done and over with.

Wednesday I woke up rather hungover, but made my way to the lunch buffet anyway. I wasn’t really sure how I was going to fare, but once I sat down with my meal, I found eating not as difficult as I thought it was going to be.

Plastic Girl and her mom were sitting a few tables away, when I noticed them, they waved and made their way over. They started telling me that Mom had to go to the medic last night. I asked why; they said that she fell and needed stitches. I asked where she fell; they said in their room.

Well apparently, Mom was tanked up, fell down and busted open her eye. She pulled her sunglasses off to reveal a rather large bandage covering her eyebrow. And what was supposed to be her eye.

But really it was a purple swollen mess. I nearly threw up right there. Seriously, it was absolutely disgusting. Now, I don’t deal well with this kind of thing in the best of times, so I really wasn’t coping well. And then they started talking about how much blood there was and how the medics didn’t even need to give her painkillers in order to stitch her up. Then Mom turned to Plastic Girl and said “Where’s your camera?”

What Plastic Girl lacks human body parts she makes up for in observational skills. She calmly told her mom that “not everyone can look at that kind of thing” and then suggested they leave me to my meal. With an ominous warning, of course: Don’t get too wasted, it could happen to you too.

As I’m pushing food around my plate, trying to find the appetite I had moments earlier, I saw my favourite dancer getting food. He walked over and asked if he could join me; surely I misunderstood, what with his accent and all, but then he was pointing towards the chair opposite of me asking if I was waiting for someone. No, not at all, please sit down. You sexy beast.

We made small talk, yada yada yada. Conversation turned to dancing (obviously) and he said that he saw me at the disco last night and that I was good. I’m sorry, what? The professional dancer is telling me that I’m good?! What is going on? Am I still drunk?

So I did stuff during the day, and even though I was hungover and wasn’t going to drink much because I didn’t want to fall down and bust my face open, I don’t remember getting home that night. Fucking tequila.

Thursday was a complete write off. I was so hungover I didn’t leave my room until 8pm and all I did that night was cart around a bottle of water, go to the show and make my rounds to see all my bartenders. All of whom offered me drinks, all of which I declined. They looked as though they didn’t even recognize me.

I ran into the security guard that worked at the disco; he saw me and started shaking his head. He told me that I was really drunk the night before and asked me if my camera was okay. When I looked at him like he was talking Martian, he asked me if I remembered much from the night before. I said no.

He told me I was upset about my camera and making a big fuss about it (for some reason). Well, after he walked me home (so that’s how I got there) he followed the guys I was playing pool with so that if they took my camera, he’d know who to report when I came to and realized something had happened. Which wasn’t the case; I had my camera and it still worked.

I asked him how many times he had walked me home so far; he said three. I remembered getting an escort on Sunday night and he told me that he walked me home Wednesday night, so I asked which other night. He said “Not Sunday”. I said “Yes, Sunday. I remember that one!” He said “Sunday is my day off”. Son of a bitch.

Friday, I was feeling much better and did all the usual stuff: beach, pool, walking, swimming, drinking. But being my last night I decided I wasn’t going to drink much; I didn’t bring out my cup. I went to the disco (of course) and saw my favourite dancer and even got a picture with him. He ended up coming back to the disco and asked me if I wanted to go to Puerto Vallarta with him. Um, yeah I do, but I can’t because I’m leaving tomorrow. I convinced him to dance with me. It was salsa; it was great.

Earlier that day, I was walking around, a bartender was passing me, said hello and then stopped me.

Him: I recognize your face.

Me: Like from this week?

Him: No… from before…

Me: November?!

Him: Maybe. How long are you here for?

Me: I leave tomorrow.

Him: Well, you should come by Bar 1; I’m there until 1am.

As I was walking home from the disco that night, I stopped at the beach to get my feet wet one last time. As I was walking down the beach, I found myself right by Bar 1; I decided to stop in for a drink. He immediately greeted me, by name, of course and asked what I wanted. There were some people from the disco there, Spanish guys and girls that don’t speak a lot of English. And they enjoyed razzing me in a language I didn’t understand.

I took it in stride; it didn’t bother me and I also found it entertaining, if only because they found it so entertaining. When Noel (the bartender) realized I was going to be staying, he found me a stool to sit on and brought it over to me. I kept dragging him into the conversation because I only understood every fourth word they were saying. At one point he looked at me sympathetically and said “It’s not fair because you don’t understand”.

So, the conversation ended up turning to me and Noel going home together. He said that he’d come to Canada with me; they just wanted him to come to my room with me. They made a big stink about it and eventually I caved and got me some Mexican action.

Well, not quite, but almost.

Until next time, Mexico… I love you as much as my liver hates you.

Mexico 2.2

Monday was the day I spent a lot of time at the pool and at the beach. As a result, I got way too much sun and burned the shit out of my back. So Monday night, I wasn’t feeling all that well (and not due to alcohol, for once) so I called it a night after the show. I woke up Tuesday feeling rejuvenated, albeit, really sore because of my burn. I was forced to sport tees instead of tanks until my back was a little less angry with life.

I spent the morning walking into town. The village is supposed to be about 1km away. Normally, I can walk a kilometre in about 10 minutes; between the heat and the fact that I was strolling along really casually, I found myself walking for about 20 minutes and still hadn’t hit the town centre. And I was feeling the effects of the sun.

I stopped in at a little café and ordered a tea, a bottle of water and some baked goods. For a brief second, I worried about whether or not I brought enough money. The cashier asked me for 47pesos (roughly $4). I guess my worry was not warranted.

I spent 15 minutes or so, cooling off and preparing myself for the outside again. I started walking, but about five minutes down the road I still hadn’t found the town and was feeling the effects of the sun… again. I’m not exactly equipped with the pigmentation necessary for survival in hot climates. I decided to call it a day and head back; I walked down the beach back to my resort.

I brought my new fancy camera on this outing and found a lot of really cool old buildings and nice properties to take pictures of, but when I pulled out my camera and tried turning it on, it didn’t work. I worried that I broke it at some point and then realized that I charged the battery the night before. And left it in my hotel room. I didn’t bring my small camera, so missed out on a lot of photo opportunities.

On my walk down the beach I came across two couples just staring into the water. Naturally, I sidled up next to them to check out what they were checking out. It was a water snake, right by the shore; it looked like he was trying to bury himself in sand, but his progress was hampered by the relentless waves.

I cursed myself for not having a camera, again, and started walking back down the beach. One of the guys rushed to catch up to me, once he was by my side, he asked “So… where in Michigan are you from?”

“I’m not from Michigan…”, he asked where I was from; I told him, then he said “Oh… well… … it’s a cool hat anyway”. Riiigghhht. The “M” doesn’t actually stand for “Mexico”. *face palm*

That night, I went to the show with a mother-daughter duo. Mom was plowed almost every time I saw her on the resort and Daughter was known as “Plastic Girl” by everyone. She was the fakest thing I’ve ever seen: bleach blonde hair, fake eyelashes, fake boobs, fake nails, too tan and abnormally large lips.

Nice girl, but she was such a spectacle that all the little Mexican kids were gathering around and asking for pictures with her. They had never seen such a thing and I hadn’t either. She was also very proud of it all; she fully admitted to having a boob job, botox and lip injections done pretty much anytime it came up in conversation. To each their own.

After the show, I went to the disco, one of the dancers from the show was there. I think he’s so beyond sexy; he’s probably half the reason I went back to the same place. Anyway, I danced up a storm… and then went home… I guess. I don’t quite remember. I’ve come to the conclusion that tequila creates gaps in my memory. I should definitely stay away from that stuff in the future.