The full story

Recently, I was told that I skew facts and only tell one side of the story and always in a negative light. I'm referring to the search terms used by my 'readers' to find me on the interweb. Just so that I'm not misleading anyone, I decided to show the full story. Below is a complete list of terms used to find me in the last 30days. As you can see, there are also positive search terms.

It's a nice gesture. Thank-you, Gorm.

But just to be clear, I still see the situation like this:

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree! :)

If you write it, they will read.

I recently got forwarded a link for blogging basics. http://boingboing.net/2011/09/25/the-1000-words-rule-of-blogging-book-excerpt.html

Thanks Brain Trepaning!

In it, it states that every blogger should write at least 1000 words per day. I'm not even sure I know what 1000 words looks like.

I responded to his email with: "1000 words per day?? I'm not sure if any of my posts are 1000 period. Pictures are worth a 1000 words though right?!?!!? :)". To which he replied: "your posts are close to a few hundred words. Just checked, your He's A Cruper post is 987 words."

Notice how he didn't acknowledge my picture comment?? I did. I guess pictures aren't worth a 1000 words. Dammit. There goes that idea.

So. The idea of this book is to give yourself goals and to try and achieve them. Since I'm fairly convinced that 1000 words is a lot and way more than I have to say on any given day (put that in the record books!) I'm going cut that number down to 500, okay fine, 600 and try and achieve that in any given day. And by given day, I mean, at least 4 days a week. I've really cut that down to a goal a monkey could achieve, but you gotta start somewhere, right??

If I achieve my goal for 3 straight weeks, then I'll consider actually following the experts advice.

So, that's one example of really helpful friends. Here's an example of a not so helpful friend. One of my loyal commenters is also my loyal skewing-Google-results-by-fabricating-search-terms-and-linking-them-to-my-blog friend.

Hamster porn?! Really, Gorm?! I don't even have a hamster story, let alone a hamster porn story. Also, he said that it's getting easier and easier to find me on Google - to the point where you don't have to have quotation marks around my blog title anymore for me to show up (you know, unless you want it to show up under hamster porn, that is!).

I do have stories relating to spiders, and horses, and dogs. I have more that I haven't written too. I think my next post will be about flies. Big, old, black, flies.

Is this 600 words yet??

Epic fail - 363. (Palindrome for the win!) (367)

This is what I have to deal with

I'm really thankful that today is Friday and I have the whole weekend to cope with this before having to see a 'certain someone'. Rather, he should be thankful that I have the whole weekend to cope with this before he has to see me again.

And here's why:

You're actually skewing Google search results, Gorm! You're the reason for my ultimate demise. You suck. So bad. I hate you.

I will never forgive you for this. I'll never forgive you, or your children, or your children's children.

-

-

For three months.

The Great Turtle

I'm a pretty horrible person. I'm sure this isn't much of a surprise to you two, but I came to the realization recently that I'm a particularly horrible person. Let me explain.

My brother's birthday was a month ago and I swore to him that I'd cook him a birthday dinner. Which I promptly became too busy to cook and subsequently forgot about. Well, he brought it up. And even though it took him 3+ weeks to have me over for my birthday dinner, I have officially passed him; he said to me "Yay - I'm not the worst sibling anymore!". It's nice when you make others feel good about themselves.

Mentioning feeling good about yourself... in the same conversation, I decided to ask him if he still reads this shit I call my blog, partially because I was curious, but also because I wondered whether or not I could count him as one of my readers. You know for those times when I refer to "you two", maybe I could say "you three".

His response? My posts are "a bit long-winded". Fuck. He said that they are funny and interesting, but they go on for far too long for "someone who doesn't read". I'm not sure if I should be angry at him for calling me boring, or if I should feel pity because he obviously has adult-onset-ADD.

And that (^) is my attempt at a short post. I feel like there's so much left unsaid.

Also - I've been thinking I need a better name/address for my blog. Even though I thought I was clever when I came up with Ramdon Ranblings... a quick Google search indicated that I was not clever at all. So, I wonder if another name is more suitable. What about "Long-winded Sally"? Or "Heather Talks"? Or "I like stuff". Or "Things are cool". Or something else greater than or equally as cool. Think about it and let me know.

Revenge is best served with asparagus. It also makes your pee taste funny.

I mentioned a couple posts ago that I have four readers that I know of... I could probably think of a fifth, but I don't know if he actually reads my blog, so I like to say four, just to be safe. In either case, I can definitely say with certainty that I can count all my readers on one hand. Pretty impressive.

All that aside, I was looking at my web-stats the other day and there were a few days in the last month where I had 6, 7, 8 views in one day! 8 views? Wow! The way I see it there are two options... Either every single one of you is reading the same post twice in one day, or else there may be more than four people reading.

To be honest, I find it really hard to believe that you four will all read the same post twice in one day (not just re-reading it, but actually logging back on to the internet so that the web-stat-thinga-ma-jig sees it as a new visit). If that is how the internet works...

But I find it even harder to believe that there are 4 other people in this world that read my blog. Even if it was just those 3 days, people other than you read it... I mean, where did you come from? What on Earth did you google to find me?

I just tried googling myself... Would you believe that "Are you honourable" shows up #4 on google?

I was surprised. I continued googling myself and discovered you have to write VERY specific sentences in order for me to show up. This may be the only instance where using random, out of context sentences as my titles will come in handy - example: #1 ranking below.

But "My apple tastes like parsley" isn't even on the first page? How does that work? In fact, I looked through 5 pages and nada. And even this one (which I think is pretty unique) doesn't yield the same #1 results.

My favorite is the porn video that showed up before my post (if my page was even there).

What I'm driving at here is: I find it highly unlikely that people are finding me on the web. So my question to you, all eight readers, is this: are there actually eight of you? If so, do I know you? You didn't actually find me through the internet, did you? If so, how? If not, how?