Rude awakening… actually just rude

Monday morning, I’m blissfully snoozing my alarm clock when the phone rings. My first thought was that perhaps I’d overslept to the point that work was calling me to see where I was. When I discovered it was merely 7am, that thought dissipated and was replaced with one of much more concern; maybe something is wrong.

I hopped out of bed and dashed to the phone, trying desperately to get the sleep out of my voice so that the person on the other end didn’t know they had woken me from my deep slumber (why do we do that anyway?).

ThatWhiteGirl: Hello?

Caller: Hey – is this CSPAN?

TWG: Sorry – wrong number (also, why do we do that??)

Caller: Hello?!

TWG: Wrong number…!

Caller: The fucking city is wrong!!!!

TWG: Huh?

Caller: 411 doesn’t fucking work!!!!!

TWG: Okaaaayyy…

Caller: Fuck you, you information bitch!!!!!!!

TWG: …. ….

Caller: Go to hell, you dumb fucking cunt!!!!!

*end scene* (literally)

And that’s how I started my day. It’s bound to be a good one.

Adventures in online dating–part 1

Alright… just because you guys seem to like this so much and because, quite frankly, I’m getting so much ammunition I don’t know what to do with it all, here’s a couple examples of what I’ve been dealing with lately.

 

Guy#1 – emailed me and wants to chat. We go back and forth a few times over the course of a week or so. His spelling is like a text message from a 13 year old girl, but I decided not to hold that against him. He also doesn’t believe in any punctuation whatsoever. This is becoming more and more commonplace, so again, I decided not to judge him on it.

He asked if I text and suggested we do that instead of emailing because it’s “easier”. (Yeah, full keyboards suck). I gave him my number and didn’t hear from him. He emailed me and said that his phone acts up and doesn’t always send/receive texts. He suggested I test it out. Suddenly he’s able to send and receive texts with lightening speed.

While texting I asked him what he was up to. He said “nm goin for a night swim”. I asked where, he responded with Coquitlam Centre. I said “In the mall?? “ and he said “no aquatic centre”.

Seriously? He doesn’t get that I was joking? Does he have no sense of humour? At all?? Yeah… I’ll judge him on that one, for sure.

So, he sends me a text the other day, here’s how our “conversation” went. And I use that term really loosely. (Note: things in asterisks did not make it into my text, it’s just what I did when I received his)

Him: Sup

Me: *roll eyes* Not much… how about you?

Him: nm sup

Me: *what the fuck face* Not much. You?

Him: lol

Me:

This is definitely the most-used illustration in my online dating posts. Speaks volumes.

 

Guy#2 – Roughly 4 years my junior. But age is just a number, right? So I emailed him and he responds to my email with this:

… sorry to put it bluntly my intentions on here are for meeting someone younger than myself. This helps to cover any maturity differentials and lesses the risk of dating someone with severe baggage.

What the fuck?? Well thanks for letting me down easy instead of being one of those guys that just doesn’t respond. Yikes.

 

Also… I’ve had multiple guys ask me if I have facebook. Do they realize that FB involves real life things, like my last name and place of work? Do they realize that POF only lists the city I live in and I’m perfectly okay with that? And why is it that they get all offended when I say, yes, I do have facebook, but you’re a stranger so I’m not sending you my info?

A Year in Review

One year ago today was the last time I spoke to my best friend, K. And “spoke to” is used loosely. In fact, it was the last time I received an angry email from her.

Hitting that milestone has led me to contemplate my life. What have I done? What have I accomplished?

My first thought was “Nothing! You’ve done nothing!”. But then as I stopped to think about it, I realized that’s just not true.

 

Things Heather has done in the past twelve months:

• Bought a URL for my blog
• Learned how to set up and use the thing
• Transferred my blog contents… twice
• Went to Mexico… alone … twice
• Kissed a girl
• Made out with a teenager
• Made an ass out of myself… more times than I can count
• Took dance lessons
• Learned how to dance
• Learned I love to dance
• Stopped having to be drunk in order to dance
• Got a promotion
• Started bossing people around… some people left
• Met a boy
• Started getting some
• Dumped a boy
• Stopped getting some
• Planned a trip to Thailand
• Hoping I’ll get some while I’m there
• Discovered the holy grail that is loose leaf tea
• Have an ever growing tea collection
• Lost weight
• Through dance, without even trying
• Made new friends
• Through dance, without even trying
• Became a foosball champion
• I have two silver medals to prove it
• It was a fluke…

All in all… a good year!

Weekend Summary

I haven’t done one of these posts in awhile. Mostly because a lot of my stories have been standalones, or if they need back stories, I can put links in to old posts. This one requires me to tell the back story(ies). Here goes…

I went dancing Friday night; I hadn’t been to this place for a couple months… Turns out people noticed because I kept getting “Hey – haven’t seen you in awhile” comments. I guess it’s better than “What do you mean, you haven’t been around?”.

One of the dudes I was dancing with told me that the same organizer was having another party down the road the following night. He even mentioned the words “live band”, which gets me going every time.

Naturally, the following night, I found myself in the same area looking for the dance party that my partner alluded to. It wasn’t there. Completely defeated, I decided to go back home; a quick search of the internet yielded unsatisfactory results. I decided to go to a pub nearby and watch the live band there.

I’ve been to this pub once or twice before and I may or may not have met a friend that likes to dance with me. As it turns out, my friend was there. There was also another dude that was willing to dance with me, so between the two of them, I spent a considerable amount of time on the dance floor. Not a total loss

The first guy, Old Dave, is someone that I’ve chatted with several times. A few months ago, he asked me if my mom has the same hair as me. I told him that she does not; he told me that he knows a lady that works at the local legion that has the exact same hair as I do. Apparently we look very, very similar.

So, we saw last call at this pub and Old Dave suggested that we go down the road to another pub that is open later. I agreed. We went to the next pub, danced to the live band that was still playing and had another drink.

Last call had come and gone and we were getting ready to leave. Out of nowhere, this young guy walked up to me and said “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I just had to come up and tell you this…”

To which, Old Dave piped up and said “Do you mean Bonnie?”. Of course he did, and the two of them got into just how much we look alike. I think he could tell I was slightly horrified. It may have been the look on my face, or it could have been the fact that I said repeatedly “I can’t believe I look like his MOM!”.

He reassured me that I look like buddy’s mom, but 30 years younger. He kept telling me that the resemblance is uncanny; he said that if I saw his friend’s mom, I’d agree. He said it was really weird because now he knows what dude’s Mom looked like when she was young. And just as I’d come to terms with it:

And that’s how I came to have my picture taken, with two young men, in a bar, like a fricken celebrity.

A celebrity that looks just like someone’s mom.

Fuck my life.

Blast from the past

It feels like lately I’ve been having blasts from the past. I’m even dreaming about the past. I think it’s starting to take it’s toll on my sanity.

Anywho… remember this post? Probably not, it was a long time ago and half of you didn’t even know I existed. I was blogging under a whole other identity so I won’t hold it against you.

Don’t worry, you can go back and read it now. You good? All caught up? Nice…

So anyway… One day last week, I was at work and the facilities manager walked past my office. He was talking to someone who hadn’t yet entered my field of view. That someone was CJ. It’s not entirely random; he works for a company that does work for us. He’s in sales, stands to reason he will make a sales call from time to time.

A few minutes later, they walked past again. It was all business outside that doorway, so I didn’t want to yell “Hey! CJ!!” and make a scene, so I watched him saunter past without comment.

Except I wanted to comment. Naturally. So, a few days later, I went to his facebook page to write on his wall. As I was about to start typing something witty, a little red flag appeared indicating that I had a new message. I decided to see who it was from before typing my message. It was from CJ wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and hoping I’ve been well.

Eerie. I couldn’t help but respond nearly immediately to tell him the story. I think I was more freaked out by it than he was… Pretty normal for my life.

So, as it turns out, he’s single again and wants to hang out. We’ll see where it goes this time. Probably the same place as last time, but you never know, right? I’ll keep you updated because apparently Heather’s Horrible Dating Stories are a hit with you guys.

Thanks for enjoying my misery!

He’s baaaaaccck!

Remember this post?

How about my follow up post?

Did you think it was over? Me too… I don’t know what we were thinking.

Well, 13 months after our one and only date, I got another text from my potential stalker. Wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. Because that’s what you do for a girl that hasn’t responded to you in over a year.

At least I know he’s still thinking about me.

If I fall off the face of the Earth please, for the love of Dog, send out a search party!!

Swimming in the wrong sea

The saying goes “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. I think I’m swimming in the wrong sea, guys.

All the dudes I’m conversing with on this online dating site seem normal enough for roughly five minutes. Then out comes the “Do you want me to come over” comments. Come over? Like to my house?! We’ve been chatting/emailing for 15 minutes!!

When I say things like “Ummmm… I don’t think I want to meet you in my living room…”, they get all snippety and don’t want to talk to me anymore. Good. I didn’t want to talk to you either. And not just anymore, if you get my drift.

Then there was the guy that wanted to video chat with me. Within two minutes, he told me he was horny and then pulled out his hard dick. My exact words “I can see that”. Disconnect.

Then there was the guy that I actually met. You might recall that I said he was either sweet, or needy. I was right. When I was on my way to meet him, I got a text from him telling me where he was sitting in the pub. About 15 minutes early. I thought maybe his bus was early. Or perhaps he was just eager.

I tell him I’m a few minutes away (like 15, but whatever) and he responds by telling me that he’s working on his soup because he couldn’t wait for me. Huh. Maybe he’s really hungry.

So I show up and he wants a hug. I give him the one-armed-nice-to-meet-you hug. He gives me a full two-armer and then tells me I smell good.

The waitress comes for my drink order and says she’ll give me a few minutes with the menu. I had never eaten at this pub before, and it’s his favourite place, so I ask him what’s good. He tells me the lamb burger is good.

I see.

I peruse the menu; the waitress comes back and asks if I’m ready to order. I wasn’t so she said she’d give me a few more minutes. It took her like 20 minutes to get back. I’d wished I’d ordered something the first time. Not because I was so hungry. And not because I was annoyed at her taking so long to come back. But because those 20 minutes could have been used to prepare my food and I’d be 20 minutes closer to ending this date.

My date asked me if I had made a decision on food. I told him I was going to have the chili. He said “You come to a place like this and you’re going to eat the chili??”. All I said was “I like chili”. Yeah… The dude that comes here every week and has only had one thing on the menu is judging me on my menu choice.

Then he wants to hold my hand. Suddenly, I’m a hand-talker. He wants me to come sit beside him. I tell him I’m happy where I am. He asked me about eight times in a two hour period if I was having fun. It was almost the longest two hours of my life, but how do you say that without hurting someone’s feelings. So I was polite (read: I lied).

I asked him what his plans were for the rest of the day. He said that I was his plan. He asked me the same question, I told him I needed to go home and do laundry.

He actually sulked when he realized the date was ending. Like pursed-lower-lip-avoid-eye-contact-crossed-arms kind of sulk.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg; I don’t think I fully portrayed the painfulness of this date. I think I’m quitting again. I’d rather die alone (well, not alone, I’ll get a shit-tonne of cats) than endure this much longer. (It’s been 10 days, but who’s counting?)