Wednesday, March 5, 2014

That White Girl’s Comeback

As I’ve said on here before, all my life I’ve heard about just how pale I am. Between my last name and my colouration, I’m the butt of many “why aren’t you tan” jokes.

I’ve grown accustomed to it; so much so that after a tropical vacation I already know my response to the above question.

That White Girl - racist - I'm pale, that's why I'm White

A couple weekends ago, I was able to off-load some of the ammo. I was able to reciprocate just enough to feel powerful. Let me replay the situation.

I ended up at my local watering hole. I found myself a seat at the bar with a bunch of rowdies surrounding me. I may or may not have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That White Girl - racist - I'm totally at home in dive bars

A heated discussion ensued. A heated discussion that would have driven many-a-people insane for the rest of the night. A heated discussion for which I happened to know the answer. This may or may not have garnered me a seat with them.

As I was conversing with a girl within the group, the guy that invited me over was having a discussion with the waitress. I’m not sure of her heritage (Italian? Greek?), but in the dead of winter she has colouration. Not a lick of sun has been about and she’s positively olive.

The guy beside me proclaimed something.

That White Girl - racist - I'm totally going to be as tanned as you, I swear

Not even knowing the basis of the conversation, I leapt on the opportunity.

Me: I’m sorry – you’re going to be as tanned as Maia?

Whitey2 – Yep!

TWG – Got some Irish in ya?? I call your bullshit!

W2 – What?

TWG – Look at you – you will NEVER be as tanned as Maia!

W2 – Sure I will!!

TWG – Where are you going?

W2 – Maui.

TWG – And how long will you be there?

W2 – A week.

TWG – Yeah. You’ll be red if anything.

W2 – What??

TWG – How much Irish you got in you exactly?

W2 – I’m full Irish…

TWG – Yeah, you’re not coming back tanned.

He questioned how I knew such a thing. I told him he had no idea just how White I am.

That White Girl - racist - I'm so White people call me Miss

It was surprisingly fulfilling.


P.S. Dear Anonymous – I find it unfair that you seem to know who I am and I have no idea who you are. Reveal your identity. Please?!


  1. "I'm so white, people call me Betty," would also have worked. I am also super-nearly-translucent-white. Even wearing a full bee keepers costume and slathered with SPF 5000, I will still get burned.

  2. I think of it this way - You provide a valuable service to all nominally pallid people by making them feel nice and tanned.

  3. I tan very efficiently and normally even in winter have some colour...I am German but we live in that sunny part! However, I am on medication for the last year and I am not allowed in the sun...I am so pale I look like ghost poop!

  4. Pale people unite! I saw the sun once. It was awful. And FWIW, I'm half Mexican and the rest Spaniard. I should be olive colored. Nope, I'm white as paper, and anything more than 30 minutes in the sun leaves me red... then paper white again.

  5. Great artwork! Reminds me of beer for the shower's blog.

  6. Pickleope - that would have been so much better, actually. Dammit!

    Gorm - that's pretty much the opposite of what I'm saying here.

    Poke - no one should look like ghost poop. I'm sorry!

    Beer - you should be positively olive. But I'm glad you're a whitey like me!

    Electric - that is hands down the nicest thing anyone has ever said. Thank-you!


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