Wednesday, March 5, 2014

That White Girl’s Comeback

As I’ve said on here before, all my life I’ve heard about just how pale I am. Between my last name and my colouration, I’m the butt of many “why aren’t you tan” jokes.

I’ve grown accustomed to it; so much so that after a tropical vacation I already know my response to the above question.

That White Girl - racist - I'm pale, that's why I'm White

A couple weekends ago, I was able to off-load some of the ammo. I was able to reciprocate just enough to feel powerful. Let me replay the situation.

I ended up at my local watering hole. I found myself a seat at the bar with a bunch of rowdies surrounding me. I may or may not have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That White Girl - racist - I'm totally at home in dive bars

A heated discussion ensued. A heated discussion that would have driven many-a-people insane for the rest of the night. A heated discussion for which I happened to know the answer. This may or may not have garnered me a seat with them.

As I was conversing with a girl within the group, the guy that invited me over was having a discussion with the waitress. I’m not sure of her heritage (Italian? Greek?), but in the dead of winter she has colouration. Not a lick of sun has been about and she’s positively olive.

The guy beside me proclaimed something.

That White Girl - racist - I'm totally going to be as tanned as you, I swear

Not even knowing the basis of the conversation, I leapt on the opportunity.

Me: I’m sorry – you’re going to be as tanned as Maia?

Whitey2 – Yep!

TWG – Got some Irish in ya?? I call your bullshit!

W2 – What?

TWG – Look at you – you will NEVER be as tanned as Maia!

W2 – Sure I will!!

TWG – Where are you going?

W2 – Maui.

TWG – And how long will you be there?

W2 – A week.

TWG – Yeah. You’ll be red if anything.

W2 – What??

TWG – How much Irish you got in you exactly?

W2 – I’m full Irish…

TWG – Yeah, you’re not coming back tanned.

He questioned how I knew such a thing. I told him he had no idea just how White I am.

That White Girl - racist - I'm so White people call me Miss

It was surprisingly fulfilling.

 

P.S. Dear Anonymous – I find it unfair that you seem to know who I am and I have no idea who you are. Reveal your identity. Please?!

6 comments:

  1. "I'm so white, people call me Betty," would also have worked. I am also super-nearly-translucent-white. Even wearing a full bee keepers costume and slathered with SPF 5000, I will still get burned.

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  2. I think of it this way - You provide a valuable service to all nominally pallid people by making them feel nice and tanned.

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  3. I tan very efficiently and normally even in winter have some colour...I am German but we live in that sunny part! However, I am on medication for the last year and I am not allowed in the sun...I am so pale I look like ghost poop!

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  4. Pale people unite! I saw the sun once. It was awful. And FWIW, I'm half Mexican and the rest Spaniard. I should be olive colored. Nope, I'm white as paper, and anything more than 30 minutes in the sun leaves me red... then paper white again.

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  5. Great artwork! Reminds me of beer for the shower's blog.

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  6. Pickleope - that would have been so much better, actually. Dammit!

    Gorm - that's pretty much the opposite of what I'm saying here.

    Poke - no one should look like ghost poop. I'm sorry!

    Beer - you should be positively olive. But I'm glad you're a whitey like me!

    Electric - that is hands down the nicest thing anyone has ever said. Thank-you!

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