Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Do the mash… the Monster Mash…

Uncle Keith made the best mashed potatoes ever. I’m not sure how he did it, but he made the smoothest, creamiest mashed potatoes in all the world and he didn’t accomplish it, like a cheater, by using a hand mixer. No, no, he made it happen with a mixture of elbow grease and pure determination. And probably a shit load of milk.

So, it’s no wonder that when I was growing up, I can distinctly remember that any time potatoes needed mashing and Uncle Keith was around, the chef always called him into the kitchen to mash those puppies up. No one was ever disappointed the finished product.

Fast forward to five years ago. Dave invited me over for dinner one night after boasting about his roasting abilities. He said he was going to make a pork roast dinner with all the fixings. Shortly after walking into his place, he told me that it would only be a little bit longer; he was just waiting on the rice to finish cooking.

rice - not okay

The following conversation occurred:

Dave: Is that okay? Do you like rice?

Me: Yeah, sure, rice is great, but I thought you were making a roast dinner…

Dave: I am!

Me: Soooo… where the hell are the potatoes?!?

Dave: I don’t make potatoes, I make rice…

Me: You don’t make potatoes?? Where do you put the gravy???

Dave: On the rice…

Me: WTF?

I wasn’t convinced it was the same; I’d never had gravy on rice before that night. I accepted the fact that some people make rice with their roast dinners and that some people are fucking weird. I ate my gravy rice and enjoyed it, but I never let him live that down. I mean, come on, have I ever been known to let something like that go?

Fast forward to two years ago. Dave, in a feeble attempt to make it up to me, invited me over for dinner once again. I don’t recall if it was another roast that he was whipping up, but I do recall that there was going to be gravy and he made a point of telling me that there were going to be potatoes to put the gravy on.

Just to be sure that he knew that I had high standards in the mashed potato arena, I told him about Uncle Keith’s mashed potatoes (for probably the third time); he said that he also makes really creamy ones. I was eager to try them. I didn’t have to wait long; shortly after, I was instructed that dinner was ready and I could dish up. But as soon as I grabbed the potato spoon, I knew something wasn’t right.

potatoes - not real

I was assured that they were, in fact, real potatoes. I said that the texture was weird; I asked what kind of potatoes they were.

potatoes - not real - dave

potatoes - not real - from box

potatoes - not real - dave - fail

I told him that potatoes out of a box are not real potatoes. He told me they were real; he showed me the ingredient list… the list that included “real potato flakes”. I told him real mashed potatoes are made by taking potatoes and mashing them!

I haven’t been invited over for dinner since. Honestly, it’s a wonder he puts up with me.


  1. LMAO!!!!!!!! Love u Heather! : )

  2. If u ever want to come over for dinner Heather, i promise to get any take-out u want!!!!!

  3. Oh dear! I have to take your side on this one. Unless you boil those suckers then mash them with butter and cream, then it's not really mashed potatoes!

  4. I'll eat pretty much anything. I am soo hungry right now.

  5. Wow - constantly making you gourmet dinners? Sounds like the worst friend ever. =P

  6. I have learned to like lumpy potatoes because that's just how mine end up. If you over mix/mash potatoes, they look and taste like glue.

  7. As a guy who's been cooking for years, this knifed me through the heart. First, with the roast and a side of rice (who puts gravy on rice?), and then... boxed potatoes. Let me just say that any type of vegetable that comes in a box is not welcome in my home. Come on, it's not that hard to make real mashed potatoes!

  8. Dave - we don't need to do take out... you can totally cook for me again. The blog fodder is priceless! :)

    Kellie - so glad you agree... I really like how you upped the ante with "cream and butter"... I'd be satisfied with margarine and milk. :)

    Brian - pretty sure I owe you a dinner... you cooked last time!

    Gorm - I know, right??

    Nellie - I hear ya... I'm not saying mine aren't lumpy, because they are, I've come to terms that no one, NO ONE, will ever make mashed potatoes like my uncle!

    Beer - I know, right?!?

  9. This is still hilarious.


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