Monday, August 12, 2013

ThatWhiteGirl’s a Spitey Bitch (c’mon… act shocked)

This is a story that got brought up in conversation with some work folk the other day. I thought it was a good idea to also share it on this platform. So that everyone* can know the story.

*By “everyone”, I mean, all 8 of you.

In my defense, this story took place when I was very young. So young that I don’t even remember it; it’s just a story that my family likes to remind me of. Every. Chance. They get. As such, this story is told according to how it has been told to me.

When I was very young, I lived with Mom (my mother), Granny (my maternal grandmother) and Danny (my older brother). I loved Granny more than life itself. She basically couldn’t have a waking moment alone without me following her around and being a general pest. Anywhere Granny went, I went too; anything Granny did, I wanted to do too. Naturally, she nicknamed me her shadow.

Despite the fact that Granny loved me almost as much as I loved her, there were times when I just couldn’t tag along. I hated these times probably as much as Granny longed for them.

One day, there was something Granny had to do that I couldn’t be a part of. She walked out the door with a grin on her face and I stood there scowling with my hands on my hips. You could say I was unhappy with being left at home while Granny frolicked. Or went to the doctor, but whatever, I was 3.

Shortly after Granny returned home, her and Mom noticed something.

That White Girl - shit the bed - on your heel

Upon closer inspection…

That White Girl - shit the bed - on your heel its shit

Upon even closer inspection…

That White Girl - shit the bed - hide and go seek

Eventually the “where did the shit come from” game ended and Granny made her way upstairs to her bedroom.

That White Girl - shit the bed - hide and go seek - I found it

That’s right. I shit on my grandmother’s bed to get back at her.

Moral of the story: Don’t piss me off and leave me alone with your things.


  1. Omg. I am so happy to be one of the 8 reading this, because that was hilarious! And for a 3 year old... I mean, you could really get a point across!

  2. Those are the children who grow up to do the same thing on the hood of their boss' car.

  3. I think this might be the first time in my life I've ever had the desire to use the acronym LOL. But I laughed. Out loud. Hard.

    Has anyone ever showed you this meme? If not, well, I guess the rubbing it in continues.

    The angry pigeon

  4. Sometimes that's the only way to express your dissatisfaction with things, and frankly I wish it was more socially acceptable. Thank you for being funny.

  5. And just like that you're my new favorite.

  6. My cat does that, too.
    Except on his soft and fuzzy bed.
    Perhaps the colour isn't to his liking?


  7. Melanie - it's a gift, really!

    Gorm - I pray everyday that I don't turn into that person. Wait... no I don't.

    Beer - good! I'm glad. And no, no one has ever shown me that. But it's very representative of this post. If I was a bird.

    Elliot - hahaha - thanks!

    Vixen - wow - that was easy! :)

    Polish - for some reason it's okay when pets do it. Talk about a double standard.


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